I'm not gonna write you a love song

It's really a never ending cycle. You overcome some obstacles, and there are new ones, waiting. Antagonizing you with a continuous to-do list which you never seem to complete. But if that's part of life, which I know it is, then I'm ready for it. I know my posts can sometimes be monotonous and lengthy, so I'm sorry.

I'm in a relatively good place right now. Socially, academically, mentally and artistically. Well, I think there's some work that needs to be done on the artistic end of the spectrum. I lack the motivation. Or that's my guise anyway. What it really is, I don't know. I hope it is not the fact that I am suddenly destitute of my artistic abilities. Don't get me wrong. My art class is possibly my favorite class. It's the most creative and free I feel all day. But, whether do to the socially charged atmosphere or some other crazy figment of the universe, I don't feel like I'm getting the full experience out of it. And the blame lies all on me for that one. I am not putting everything into it and producing the most sincere end product that I can. Hopefully that can be resolved soon.

Aside from that, drama is going great. I'm so excited. The overall mood and perspective of the show this year is great. It's static. I can feel it. I'm really enjoying rehersals, and I'm having fun.

Friends: I can't ever really complain. I've got a great crop of friends. I haven't been plagued with spells of drama, which is nice (the bad kind) and I'm not fighting with anyone, so I'm really grateful for that.

So right now, I feel like I'm in an OK spot...borderline good. What would really improve my standings is spring. I already have spring fever, which is bad because i don't know how I'm going to handle the rest of february.

Let the world see what you have got

This feeling is unparalleled. Wow. I just used a math term..anyway, it's the best feeling ever to FINALLY be finished with the regents. we've been counting down for months and it's over. It really is. Except for finding out our grades, the whole regents concept is behind us. I finished the exam at about 12:40..that left me with 2 hours of sitting. It's amazing how the imagination wanders when the mind isn't engaged. I filled up both sides of my "straightedge" with doodles. Some of them were pretty cool, but the guy came around and stole it off my desk before I had a chance to put it away. I was basically daydreaming for an hour after I checked it over and everything. I was observing people (which is really interesting) and thinking about the most abstract things. It's really a very exposing feeling to watch everyone else but not know how you appear to them. You can't analyze yourself like that. We all look at people and analyze them: try to label them, see what they're thinking, try to figure out their motives. You know you do. But doesn't that leave you wondering what people say when they look at you? It's a complex thing to try to figure out. Also, it's bizzare to listen to your own thought process and know that everyone else in the room is taking the same test- i wonder what their thought process is. Again, just weird things I think about when I have down time. I also don't have the physical capacity to sit for that long. I honestly have trouble sitting still for more than 30 minutes. That's why during the day, its hard to sit through class periods. My back hurt so badly and my legs were basically twitching. It was annoying, especially when I was finished with the test and had checked it over at least 4 times. If I had to rate the difficulty of the test, I'd say maybe easy to moderate. It really wasn't anything I didn't know how to do and the problems were really straightforward. I think only two of the multiple choice got me stumped. But I can only wait to see the outcome...oh geez. But for the rest of the weekend, I vow that I'm not going to think about how I did, rather revel in the fact that its over. That's a really nice thought....

Break Analysis

I've actually had a very successful break so far.

Friday Kerianne Jess and I went to the mall for Kerianne's b-day. It was so much fun. But now my manicure is chipping =( and I ate all my Gertrude Hawk stuff

Meghan's party was fun once you got past all the drama. We're all gonna have to get used to the boy/girl party drama, because as we get older, it's going to be a common practice to have a mixed birthday party. But it was fun. Especially once all the guys left. That's saying something right there, isn't it?

Yesterday was so lazy. But you can't really blame me. I was EXHAUSTED. So I slept for 2 hours until my cell phone woke me up. Grrr. Then I...watched TV and ate and read an listened to music and slept more.

Today was Martin Luther King Jr. day of course. It's really awful because most people don't give this monumental holiday much thought. And it's not even just about Dr. King. It's about all the influential individuals, black and white, who dedicated themselves to such a worthy and moving cause. My mom, my brother and I attended a service at the United Methodist church today. It was incredible. I've never experienced anything like it, and hope to experience it again. There were many speakers, including the mayor, the town supervisor, judges and pastors from all different churches in Warwick. The African American congregation especially were so inspiring. The level of energy and passion they communicated through their worship and through their sermons was incredible. It's defenitely not a stereotype that African Americans are warm, passionate, strong people. While various speakers were speaking, you heard powerful "Amens" resounding through the audience. I know my parish would sit there like bumps on a log. Plus I got to experience up close and personal the power of a gospel choir =)

I just came upstairs from watching the Democratic debate. That's amazing as well. Even beyond their political standings, theses candidates are such eloquent, forceful speakers. I still haven't decided on my candidate. I wish they could all win.

Tomorrow I have drama and we're going NHD shopping and then math review =( It's a harsh reality check to go through all these old regents and realize you can't do half the problems....ok, that's just me. I have drama on Wednesday also, and more math review on my own and then Thursday is the dreaded Math A Regents day. It's going to be mentally and physically painful. Can't wait! Friday I can FINALLY relax...and get my second hole =) Saturday I have Christian and Marc-Anthony's birthday and the Sunday is midterm re-review. I have my whole week planned out...scary.


ok, I decided to make this one a long one because of my new template (thanks marc-anthony)

Feel better Jess! <3

I love you SO much kerianne. I was just thinking.

Reflection

It's frustrating that you can't predict what will or won't set you off. The simplest things can make me so upset, and then things that really should be a big deal don't provoke a major response. For example, Meghan's party. I did not expect to start tearing up because I didn't have a boyfriend. How wimpy is that?! My reflection to that response is that women have come so far in history. To hang all over a guy as if you need them to survive is a setback. After all the rights women have fought for, to be reverting back to needing a guy and becoming the unassuming partner is hardly acceptable. But it's not that I need a boyfriend....I just want one.

Day 1 Complete!

One down, one to go. I had 5 midterms in a row today. And then tomorrow we'll do it again. I'm having fun playing with my hair cause its straight. But then I'm gonna wash it and its going to get curly again. But for now I'm listening to the Jonas Brothers, then I'm gonna study for part 2's, and shower and eat dinner...and all that good stuff.

There's More to Life than Just to Live

This christmas template is throwing off my groove. I experienced spring fever yesterday! I mean, not that I would object to snow *wink* But I'm defenitely looking forward to spring.

This global project has consumed my life for the past few days. Becky and I decided (foolishly, in retrospect) to make an Athenian battle ship out of balsawood. We started working last week. This past week, we went to the library on Monday, we worked for at least 5 hours on Wednesday, we worked about 3 hours on Friday, and we worked for 8 hours yesterday. I worked by myself on it for about 2 hours today and its so close to being finished. I mean, its due tomorrow. I'd be in trouble if it wasnt. But do you wanna hear how much of a wimp I am? of course you do. Just from working on this project, I burned myself with the glue gun twice, I cut myself with the x-acto knife once, I hurt my back, twisted my ankle and bruised my hand. So I think I'm done with projects for a while.

I haven't studied for the midterms at all. Other than in class review. and I keep telling myself that they're not gonna be that bad. But i really still need to study. which I kind of set aside today to do. You think that's happening? No.

Dar Fur culture night was really great. Honestly. I was upset that more people didn't attend. I was only there for about an hour, but it was so informative and it was really such a great idea. It's upsetting to think that it could be done annually for the next few years. The poverty and political unrest is not going to be over. But on the other hand, it would be great to have it once a year. As an added bonus, there was african dancing. It was amazing. They communicated such a sense of culture. Plus Kerianne went up and joined them...me and Courtney have pictures =)

That's basically all there is for now. I probably will go do some studying and practicing.

Happy Birthday Meghan! <3

Forget everything

That's what I'd love to do. But it's all good, cause I'm listening to my Jonas brothers, and its Saturday and, surprisingly, I have a lot to look forward to. I have my first drama meeting on Monday, and I'm so eager to get into drama. I can do NHD cause its on the 8th as opposed to the 15th! plusss BIG PLUS, the techno in the snow sance has officially been rescheduled for this friday...look for me. I'll be there =)

I can't really focus when there is music playing, so this blog is not going to be particularly deep (that's what a diary is for) but lately, I've been staying away from all the drama that can always generate. So you'll see none of that on this blog. hopefully.

it's so true that every cloud has a silver lining. Take something as small as midterms. as soon as they are over, we have regents week! So I projecting that far in advance, and getting excited.

I was over at Becky's yesterday and I played guitar hero 3 for the first time. It's pretty awesome, I gotta admit. and i saw emma lillian for the first time in about a year. It was cool! She's changed, but in a good way. she's not friends with the same people she used to be, because she's in a different school, and she's really funny. she's more like the emma i used to know.

as of now, I have 9 teddy bears on my bed. just letting everyone know. and they have names: Nick Jonas, Susan, Pajamas, Kringle, Lei Mei, Icicle, Cookie Bear, Barney, and Sweetie. You have just been educated in the names of my bears.

while we're on the topic of names, I decided that if I give birth to a girl someday, I'm going to name her Bryn. It's such an ethereal -sounding name.


And you can <3 nigel barker all you want, kerianne, but beni ninja is mine. =)

Feel the Elation!

Everybody! Let's hear a collective "yay!" Back to school. How exciting. To wake up at 5:30 when I've woken up at 10 for the past however many days. And then, as if we're not having enough fun roaming the halls with the reaction time of a goldfish, let's throw in a few hundred midterms to really get you back in the school spirit. Ahh, what would we do without education?

I can't REALLY complain, cause we have a three day week...but i can sure give it my best shot. It's sad to say that the highlight of my non-existent social calendar is NHD. At least I have drama to look forward to. Really look forward to actually.

Hard to believe we're in 2008. Officially. This year went by so fast, and at the same time, i can't even remember back to last january. Just fleeting images, really. I don't know abut you, but i really grew a lot this past year. Not necessarily physically. There were a lot of struggles and emotional roller-coasters and new experiences. But for all the confusion, I'm happy to say I came out of 2007 feeling, for the most part, very satisfied.

I'm still on the lookout for fullfillment. It hasn't really come yet. Sure, I've tried a lot of things. But nothing I've tried, I've had an epiphany like "this is it! this is what I'm meant to do and I'm going to work as hard as I can" But i've got time...I hope. I have my music, but i don't plan on making a career out of it, same with singing or dancing or acting or horseback riding or softball or soccer or gymnastics or art....yup, I've done all those. Writing, really, so far, has stuck with me the longest. Hopefully it will stay with me forever. But we'll see. Eventually, I want to make a list of life goals...like those master card ads, except, well, a little deeper. But I think I'm going to focus on freshman year for now...